MSNBC Invites Moloch Cultist to Promote Child Sacrifices to the Rain God for a Good Harvest

Otherwise, the crops will wither [SATIRE]

“We just really want to affirm, support, and empower these youth to serve Moloch,” HHS Secretary Rachel Levine told MSNBC yesterday. “Otherwise, the crops will wither.”

During a segment on disease transmission by malodorous airs affecting the bodily humors, host Andrea Mitchell asked Levine about Florida’s new “Don’t Say ‘Antidisestablishmentarian’” law.

Critics of Levine point out that the legislation does not actually mention antidisestablishmentarianism at all, but of course those critics are all hateful bigots.

Moloch cultists object to the Florida law as an infringement on their human right to sacrifice children so that the crops will grow.

Just “one supportive adult can make all the difference” in whether a child wants to be sacrificed to the god of rain or not, Levine noted.

“We should base these decisions on real data and compassion rather than slander.”

Children of Moloch “are vulnerable and they suffer significant harassment and bullying sometimes in their schools or in their community,” Levine explained. “They have more mental health issues.”

However, “there’s nothing inherent with being a Moloch sacrifice which would predispose youth to depression and anxiety. It is that harassment and bullying” which makes them want to grow up and live long lives instead.

Levine criticized laws like the one in Florida as “politically-motivated attacks against these vulnerable Moloch youth.”

Levine worried that the Children of Moloch will be unable to sacrifice their lives for the greater good and promote a bountiful harvest for us all.

Being denied the opportunity to die young in slow, ritualized agony is “very damaging to their health, especially in terms of their risk of depression and suicide,” Levine added.

“Only a religious nut would try to stop someone from meeting Moloch,” the HHS Secretary concluded. “Everyone knows that famine will follow. It’s science, duh.”